Entrada 5

Enero 23 2025

It's been a little while since an entry, mostly because I've been meaning to do another camp vlog instead of a blog, but alas blogging is a LOT less time consuming.

I don't know how to word this right, but I've never been much of a people person, and I really felt like I found my people here. I feel like it's a me issue, like there's something wrong with me to the point of being unable to hold meaningful friendships for prolonged time. I've had really good friends, over and over, and I always end up fizzling it out, and honestly yeah, it's me that does the distancing and it never has a good reason. I don't know, there's something I'm trying to say here but I can't figure it out.

On another note, my job as a PTA has GOT to be the MOST soul sucking job ever. 30mins minimum x 13 times with varying qualities of patients combined with it being OVER AND OVER AND OVER. This august will be my third year in this job, and the hatred I have for it is seeping into my bones. I didn't want to bring my job into this blog, but no one is reading it, and typing is quicker than a journal entry. My biggest gripe is high maintenance patients.

I hate feeling like I'm even slightly inconveniencing someone else. I have the worst social anxiety, my heart was pounding earlier today waiting for my McDonald's order, I was terrified of asking for ketchup. I don't even know if this makes me a considerate person, or a kind person, I know how it feels to have every last drop sucked out of you, and I don't want anyone to feel that way.

I have further experience in this feeling, btw. I have worked since the second I turned 16, and it was at a Chipotle. Let me tell you now, that was SLAVE WORK. I WAS WORKIN LIKE A DOG. I still remember how I felt when I pulled a morning shift, ate lunch, then a closing shift right after. That's how I be feeling everyday at my job rn, my work life balance is in the trash. I've been home for an hour and I'm still not able to turn my brain off of work things I could be doing. This is getting bad.

Most people don't care how irritating their Chiptole order is. Idk why I'm like this. My husband is the same way, I feel like it's an anxiety thing, and nothing is as serious as a huge impossible to wrap the burrito, but yeah.

Moral of the story is I am a hater, and I need to learn to love my job, love the people I'm surrounded by, and love being stationed a 20 hour flight away from home. Something about being 22 years old, and so deeply struggling to enjoy life, is so demoralizing for me.